Larry Bird – Episode 2

"I think the fat one is related somehow to Mark Seymour, you know from Hunters and Collectors. Someone's cousin told me."

“I think the fat one is related somehow to Mark Seymour, you know from Hunters and Collectors. Someone’s cousin told me.”

UNOFFICIAL DEATH OF LARRY BIRD – EP. 2
Episode 2. A Cherri On Top – Written by Noel Anderson

RECAP: THE END OF EPISODE 1.
Larry opened the window and gently cupped the bird in both hands and rested the dead bird on a clean white dinner plate. On closer inspection, Larry noticed a hole, puncher mark in the bird’s belly and a trickle of blood, the birds cervical vertebrae had been snapped.
“Good morning Melbourne,” Larry shouted out loud.
He placed the bird gently in the fridge…

LARRY BIRD – CONTINUES
Larry grabbed the cheese slice and peeled off the plastic wrap. He stood watching the rain hit the window and thought about his mum.
“Larry! Stop daydreaming and come inside. I’ve made your favourite, spaghetti with mushrooms” she said. It was true he did love mushrooms. What a strange thing to love Larry thought to himself and broke out of the dream. Larry looked out the kitchen window again and into the apartment directly opposite, old Mr. Reynolds was having a long-slow-wank. Larry stuffed the cheese slice into his mouth then said “That’s discussing.”
Larry Bird had only one more thought after that…. ‘Get the fuck out, go to the local cafe for brekky’ – he quickly dressed…slipped into his jeans, pulled on a hoodie and left the flat to rot in hell. The thought of braving Melbourne’s wintry weather wasn’t very appealing but neither was breakfast with old Mr. Reynolds and his slow movin’ right hand. How old was Mr Reynolds anyway? Eighty seven probably. Mustn’t have anything better to do with his bloody time, he thought. How long had it been since he had masturbated Larry reflected? Larry looked up at Mr. Reynolds in the window and gave him a wave as he shut the front gate. Mr Reynolds finished the job at hand, yawned and then pulled down the blind.

Miriam had been up late and was enjoying a chai tea at Miss Jackson cafe on Grey St in St Kilda when Larry Bird entered. The song Throw Your Arms Around Me started playing almost immediately as Larry opened the door. Larry smiled, he loved the Hunters and Collectors…but, his smile disappeared when he saw Miriam waving at him dressed in her second-hand clothes.
Christ, Larry thought, I bet she’s been up all night. Miriam suffers from chronic insomnia. Spotting Larry, Miriam quickly closed the RSVP dating app on her iPhone and put it on the table. A message flashed up on the phone, Miriam quickly deleted it so Larry wouldn’t see. She never dates, just likes to look at the pictures.
Miriam liked Harry Bird. She liked him a whole lot… but she knew he was not her type.
Still, she adjusted her bra under her blouse and uncrossed her legs just in case Larry might find something in her he fancied. Larry panicked, he wasn’t planning on jumping the fence, we’ll not today and certainly not for Miriam. Larry dropped to the ground pretending to do up his shoe lace.
“Wouldn’t be caught dead for quids” she shouted out at Larry.
What the fuck does that mean, Larry thought.
“Come and join me.”
“All good. I don’t want to interfere with ya chai tea.”
Larry just wanted to read the papers and didn’t want to get caught up in Miriam’s mindless conversation about Jailbirds. Stuff the chi tea, Miriam thought. Gay, bi or whatever… I reckon Larry has still got it!
Larry smiled up at her and reluctantly sat down. Christ, he thought, the bitch thinks I’ve still got it.

Wayne O’Toole, the waiter at Miss Jackson wandered over, he had slept with Miriam on a random drunken night, and was secretly trying to forget the experience. Even now, two years later he can still hear her moans. Wayne shuddered at the thought! There was two other women in fact he’d slept with, havin’ brekky and sipping coffee at Miss Jackson that morning when Larry entered…Wayne did his best to ignore them both.
“Larry, you know Wayne?” Miriam smiled…then winked.
Don’t fuckin’wink at me, Wayne thought, but just smiled politely.
“I remember you. I saw you on the circuit, years back. You were pretty funny…I am Larry. Larry Bird.”
“He’s still performing aren’t you Wayne” Miriam beamed.
“Yes Miriam,” Wayne snapped back, then added that he still had a regular gig at the Local Tap House on Monday nights in Carlisle Street, then invited Larry to come watch him perform sometime.
“No shit! Nice to meet you,” Larry said. “I’m thinkin’ of gettin’ back in the business myself.”
No one spoke for a moment. Everyone on the Melbourne circuit had heard how bad Larry was at comedy. Nobody wanted to encourage him to back on stage. Larry broke the silence.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed Wayne,” Larry said. “But the two girls at that table are staring right at you.”
“They are not very attractive” Miriam added and sipped on her chai tea.
Wayne simply smiled. “I slept with both of’em,” he said. “I think the fat one is related somehow to Mark Seymour, you know from Hunters and Collectors. Someone’s cousin told me.”
Larry looked up just as Throw Your Arms Around Me finished playing on the sound system.
“No shit,” said Larry. Wayne knew he’d impressed Larry.
“Now, you both look cozy,” Wayne said, “what can I get you two love birds for Brekky.”
Larry raised his eyebrows, Wayne raised his eyebrows, Miriam nearly choked on her chai tea!

Rodger staggered into his Carlton flat with his fly undone. He quite often forgets to zip it up. It took him too long to get home from Larry’s flat, what with all the AFL footy traffic clogging up the road. The LSD trip he’d taken at Larry’s really affected him. He dreamt he’d somehow got stuck to the front cover of Beatles Abbey Road album and no matter how hard he pulled, he just couldn’t come unstuck. Lucky for him, Larry thought there was something wrong when he stopped breathing for a few seconds and poured some more vodka down his throat. The vodka seemed to do the job alright!
“Shit look at the time, Rodger suddenly thought. He’ll be late for footy training. The boys will have his nuts for sure.

Abigail was having sex in the spare room. Lucky for her Rodger didn’t hear her cum. He didn’t like her having a bonk without him. Unluckily for Rodger he didn’t notice the box from Australia post on top of TV. In just a short while, he’d really be wishing he had. Rodger left the flat and deadlocked the front door!
FOR YOUR INFO…Inside the box, restin’ peacefully, is a dead sparrow… but, more about that in a later episode.

After the operation Cherri Bomb never felt the same…sexually. Still, she can’t complain, she thought, at least she still had Donald. He was her rock, as Australian as Vegemite. He stood by her thick and thin. Of course she still loved him… Didn’t she? A strange feeling overtook her when she thought about Donald. Something unsettling, something queer!

To be continued in the New Year
Remember to share Larry’s love on Facebbok 😄

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LARRY BIRD – EPISODE 1

“Good morning Melbourne,” Larry shouted out loud. No one heard. No one cared. Larry had died a long time ago anyway.

“Good morning Melbourne,” Larry shouted out loud. No one heard. No one cared. Larry had died a long time ago anyway.

THE UNOFFICIAL DEATH OF LARRY BIRD
Episode 1. The Long Hard Road – Written By Noel Anderson

A wet Sunday morning, Larry Bird woke up feelin’ like shit!
His career as Australia’s most unsuccessful comedian had been truly cemented. Larry hadn’t had a gig since before the Tasty Nightclub raid back in August 1994, thirteen years to the day…or is it sixteen? Larry can’t recall… too much partying through the 80’s I suppose.
It was a benefit he remembered for the local Police Citizen’s Youth Club paying less than hundred lousy bucks. He’d taken the wrong turn somewhere and he was on the wrong side of forty, couldn’t get laid now in a brothel even on a good day…plus, the cigarettes and vodka from last night’s binge had left a burning in his throat so vile he wanted to puke.
He looked down and for a brief moment his prick went stiff…then just as quickly it was gone.
“Fuck” he cried and jumped out of bed.
Larry was tired, worn-out…but that wasn’t the real problem, no sir. The real problem was that strange smell lingering in the air. What was it?
Still pissed, he stumbled along the hallway and pushed open the dunny door. On closer inspection, it seemed his best mate Rodger had left a little surprise…a turd so fuckin’ big it could take over China, if only it had a mind of its own to do it.
“Damn a floater” Larry muttered to himself.
“This is shit Rodger, no really, this is shit” he screamed down the hall stating the obvious…but Rodger had already left the building.
Realising he was alone, Larry sighed. He knew floaters well, he knew they refused to fuckin’ flush even with aggressive pushin’ on the cistern button, something Larry was gettin’ good at now that Rodger was a regular guest at flat every Saturday night.
No, Larry thought…this one was definitely not like the Titanic, this one was not going to sink, this fucking floater was here to stay.
Flashback five hours and several blocks away in Hotham Street; Miriam sits nervously watching reruns of Channel 3’s reality TV show The Jailbirds. Things are heating up…Miriam grabs the remote control and turns up the sound.
ON THE TV SET…
“Just you try and run,” Sheila screamed at the top of her tits, “You’ll be dead within seconds, with a thousand blowies shittin’ on’ya in a few minutes.”
Sheila obviously wasn’t havin’ a good day, Helen could tell.
FOR YOUR INFO…
Sheila is in fact Miriam’s favourite jailbird. She likes her more than cry baby Helen. She likes Sheila more than any other girl on the show. Miriam likes her mainly because she always wears Valentino rocksteel heeled pumps, and is top dog in the jail.
No one rattles Sheila, no matter how hard they try. Sheila is as cool as a cucumber and as smooth as a bowl of cherries. Miriam really likes that…Sometimes Miriam wishes she was Sheila. Tough and hot! But, of course in real life, Miriam wouldn’t even be able to spit on Sheila’s snatch. Back to Larry….
Larry Bird stood watching the rain hit the window then opened the fridge. Let’s see what greeted him…an onion, a slice of no name cheese in a plastic wrapper and an ashtray full of cigarette butts, with a raw egg, mashed up. Rodger hated eggs and it looked like he’d taken his angst out on this one charred and left for dead in the ashtray. Still, that didn’t explain why in a drunken haze he’d stuck this concoction in the fridge. Larry thought for a moment, grabbed the ashtray, then looked at the rubbish bin over flowing in the corner.
“What the fuck,” Larry shouted, and put the ashtray straight into the butter compartment out of sight…and slammed the fridge door.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION…
On TV, Sheila is about to knock off Helen in the washroom, after a long standing feud over Rodrigo the night guard at Worthwhile Prison. They’d all partied hard together for months but lately, the last three episodes, Helen has gotten greedy, and doesn’t want to share the pork sausage anymore. This change of heart has stirred up a lot of PMT between the girls…and stroked Rodrigo’s ego. Helen is extra pissed because in the last episode Sheila severed two fingers clean off Helen’s right hand…by mistake! And, to add insult to injury, no one has seen the fingers since the accident…if anyone in Worthwhile prison knows where they are…well, they ain’t talkin’.
And, Worthwhile prison has refused to investigate.
Criminals have no fuckin’ rights on late night reality TV, as Helen has quickly found out.
ON THE TV SET…
“Give me back my fingers you redhead bitch” Helen hollered, as Sheila pulled a fiddleback-blade-knife out of nowhere.
Sheila could always come up with something in a tussle, Helen thought and smiled.
Thinking quickly, Helen emptied the washing onto the floor, shielding her body with the plastic laundry basket, just as Sheila made a dive at her heart, the knife’s blade missing her breast by inches.
Worthwhile Prison was no place for losers.
“Where are my fingers? Tell me bitch or I’ll have you for bloody dinner.” Helen announced waving the basket in front of her body as if she was an act from Circus Oz.
“Have me for dinner! You? Don’t make me laugh. You don’t even know how to cook twat face!” Sheila responded triumphant, before taking off her left Valentino heel, size twelve… cutting the air with the heel like a steel blade in the hands of a Japanese swordsmen.
“Give’em back or I’ll…?”
“What? What are’ya goanna do if I don’t?’ screeched Sheila. “Break into a sweat? Or are’ya goanna try knit me a sweater with ya hand? The best one, with all five fingers.”
It was at that point bedlam broke loose and Sheila pommelled Helen to death with her Valentino heel, swearing to never wear them again once she’s wiped the blood off the shoe…and she never did. Well, not until her grandson’s christening many episodes later… but that’s another story.
Miriam jumped up from the couch in a state of panic.
You see, Miriam can’t relax in normal situations but death, anyone’s death, even Helen’s, a low life TV character she hated, really upset her. Switching off the TV set she decided, despite the very late hour, it was 3am… to spring-clean the entire house and scrub the bathroom tiles until they shined… she didn’t even stop when her fingers bled.
Satisfied finally everything was clean, she sat quietly eating sugar candy popcorn until she threw up.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION…
Miriam has a secret she doesn’t tell anyone… Can you guess? Miriam has chronic adult eczema around her vagina, which makes intercourse impossible and her vagina tad sore.
She hates to talk about it.
She also hates to admit that…Well, Miriam hasn’t been penetrated now for well over three years. Her last sexual encounter was a waiter; God knows where she met him. But, she didn’t cum. So does it count as intercourse?
You be the judge?
Miriam is, to be frank, a fucking mess.
Now, Miriam likes to just sit and watch late night TV and never dates. She sits and watches reality TV shows like The Jailbirds and stuffs popcorn into her mouth instead of hooking up with men because popcorn doesn’t irritate her vagina.
Not that she doesn’t think about men and romance, she thinks about it all the time!
It’s been a long hard road, Miriam thought…a long road to get to this point in her life. And she’s fuckin’ over it! Back to Larry…
Larry stood stark naked in the kitchen, glanced out the window, scratched his balls and burped. A pigeon lay dead on its back, staring back at him through the glass, eyes snapped frozen like it had been kicked in the guts. The kid next door liked to kill’em and it looked like this little guy had swallowed a lot of the rat poison. Yep, Little George loved his poison and bird seed mix, it was pretty lethal. Poor fella must’ve suffered a slow painful death too. Larry opened the window and gently cupped the bird in both hands and rested the dead bird on a clean white dinner plate. Movin’ in close, Larry noticed a hole, puncher mark in the belly of the creature and a trickle of blood…the birds cervical vertebrae had been snapped and twisted. Whoever did this liked to inflict pain.
“Good morning Melbourne,” Larry shouted out loud. No one heard. No one cared. Larry had died a long time ago anyway, just like this dead bird.
Can death be sexy Larry thought? …then quickly dismissed the idea as the crazy thoughts of a comic who hasn’t worked in thirteen years…or is it sixteen?
What Larry didn’t notice that day, just yet…was a small note pushed deep inside the bird’s belly, between the ribs…but more about that later.
Larry covered the pigeon with cling wrap. He pulled the wrap tight and flicked the plastic with the back of his finger… yes, it’s tight Larry thought.
He placed the bird gently in the fridge… beside the ashtray and egg mashup.
A cold chill ran through Larry’s body as he shut the fridge door. About an hour later the fridge light blew out. Nobody heard the pop…the city of Melbourne got on with the day.
LARRY BIRD – TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
EPISODE 2. PREVIEW LINE
At Miss Jackson’s café in St Kilda – “I don’t know if you’ve noticed Wayne,” Larry said “But the two girls at that table are staring straight at you.”
Larry Bird says, SHARE ME 

Audrey Hepburn & I : The Musical Journey So Far…

THE OVERTUE
The overture gives the audience a taste of some of the songs to come. Overture includes the songs Hollywood Movie Stars, Toe The Line, Flaunt It Baby, Make the Most of What You’ve Got, I Want To Be Like Audrey Hepburn, Not A Day Goes By and Sadie’s Dance.

I Believe (In Pink) The Teaser
I believe (In Pink) opens with Liz O’Sullivan and Audrey Hepburn on Brighton Beach in Melbourne, Australia. The girls sing about the difficulties in being a woman in a man’s world. Performed here by Sam Morley and Katie Underwood.
http://youtu.be/_XZGkC7tqVU

WATCHING ME
Liz O’Sullivan from Glen Huntley Melbourne can’t decide if she wants to marry Len from Collingwood or not. Her family insist she be normal like everyone else, something Liz rejects. Liz cracks under the pressure of everyone telling what to think and feel…while her guardian angel Audrey Hepburn, who watches Liz’s every move, warns her to never trust a wild thing!

I WANT TO BE LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN
Liz O’Sullivan in an effort to get her father’s attention starts to change, copying everything she idolizes about Audrey Hepburn from her Hollywood films.

A REAL MAN
Liz O’Sullivan is forced to go to therapy by her father. Liz finds she likes her therapy sessions, and does her best to block out the constant chatter of Audrey Hepburn in her ear during the sessions. Liz confesses to Rod (her therapist who just happens to look like movie star Rock Hudson) she is having trouble finding a real man to trust. Audrey Hepburn argues that it is difficult to trust any man and marriage is like being put in a cage. Rod decides Liz must have multiple personalities and one of them is Audrey Hepburn.

YOU STUNNED ME
Liz’s dad for the first time sees Liz for who she really is…He realises she’s an original and there is no one else like her in his life. He is stunned by the strong independent woman standing before him… and has even learnt to live with the voices in her head including Audrey Hepburn.

NOT A DAY GOES BY
Liz packs up her life and prepares to leave Melbourne for a theatre job in Perth. Len from Collingwood meets her under the clocks at Flinders Street Station to express his love for her, telling her crazy or not, with or without Audrey Hepburn, she is going to be his girl one day.

THE SINGING DIRECTOR
Director and co-writer Noel Anderson introduces Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets : A New Musical

Anderson’s 15 Mins Of Fame Showreel
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Noel Anderson recently directed the six part TV series NEXT…about the perils of online dating which premieres on Foxtel and We Are TV in 2017. Currently, it has had 64,000 views internationally. Noel completed NIDA’s Playwright Studio 1996, his written work includes: Hello Little Man (Melbourne Writer’s Social Anthology 2016), Kylie Kastle Throws A Party (performed in schools across Australia), Germ Warfare (Bondi Pavillion), Pulling Out (Best Writing Winner Midsumma Festival at Gasworks), Sammy and Dave (Stables Theatre), The Carer (Belvoir St Theatre), Andy Warhol’s Fifteen Minutes Of Fame (La Mama & the Jewish Museum of Australia with Warhol’s Geniuses Exhibition), Love Letters (Melbourne Arts Centre) and the new Australian musical Audrey Hepburn And I Consider Our Assets  which premiered at the Melba Spiegeltent on 29th October 2015. Noel is currently working on his first feature film adaption of Sammy and Dave (Like Us on FB @sammyluvdave) and a music video for Audrey and I called ‘Travellers in Time’. You can follow Noel on Twitter: @Randyandy42 or https://www.facebook.com/noel.anderson42  Noel has directed over 50 theatrical productions, and is also looking for new Melbourne writers to be part of LOVE KILLS 2017 at the Melbourne Fringe, an evening of twisted stories about falling in and out of love. Noel’s plans to film several pieces from Love Kills 2017 as a web series.