UNOFFICIAL DEATH OF LARRY BIRD
Episode 2. A Cherri on Top – Written by Noel Anderson
RECAP: THE END OF EPISODE 1.
Larry opened the window and gently cupped the bird in both hands and rested the dead bird on a clean white dinner plate. On closer inspection, Larry noticed a hole, puncher mark in the bird’s belly and a trickle of blood, the bird’s cervical vertebrae had been snapped.
“Good morning Melbourne,” Larry shouted out loud.
He placed the bird gently in the fridge…
LARRY BIRD – CONTINUES
Larry grabbed the cheese slice and peeled off the plastic wrap. He stood watching the rain hit the window and thought about his mum.
“Larry! Stop daydreaming and come inside. I’ve made your favourite, spaghetti with mushrooms” she said. It was true he did love mushrooms. What a strange thing to love Larry thought to himself and broke out of the dream. Larry looked out the kitchen window again and into the apartment directly opposite, old Mr Reynolds was having a long-slow-wank. Larry stuffed the cheese slice into his mouth and then said, “That’s discussing.”
Larry Bird had only one more thought after that…. ‘Get the fuck out, go to the local cafe for brekky’ – he quickly dressed…slipped into his jeans, pulled on a hoodie and left the flat to rot in hell. The thought of braving Melbourne’s wintry weather wasn’t very appealing but neither was breakfast with old Mr Reynolds and his slow movin’ right hand. How old was Mr Reynolds anyway? Eighty-seven probably. Mustn’t have anything better to do with his bloody time, he thought. How long had it been since he had masturbated Larry reflected? Larry looked up at Mr Reynolds in the window and gave him a wave as he shut the front gate. Mr Reynolds finished the job at hand, yawned and then pulled down the blind.
Miriam had been up late and was enjoying a chai tea at Miss Jackson cafe on Grey St in St Kilda when Larry Bird entered. The song Throw Your Arms Around Me started playing almost immediately as Larry opened the door. Larry smiled, he loved the Hunters and Collectors…but, his smile disappeared when he saw Miriam waving at him dressed in her second-hand clothes.
Christ, Larry thought, I bet she’s been up all night. Miriam suffers from chronic insomnia. Spotting Larry, Miriam quickly closed the dating app on her iPhone and put it on the table. A message flashed up on the phone, Miriam quickly deleted it so Larry wouldn’t see. She never dates, just likes to look at the pictures.
Miriam liked Harry Bird. She liked him a whole lot… but she knew he was not her type.
Still, she adjusted her bra under her blouse and uncrossed her legs just in case Larry might find something in her he fancied. Larry panicked, he wasn’t planning on jumping the fence, we’ll not today and certainly not for Miriam. Larry dropped to the ground pretending to do up his shoelace.
“Wouldn’t be caught dead for quids” she shouted out at Larry.
What the fuck does that mean, Larry thought.
“Come and join me.”
“All good. I don’t want to interfere with ya chai tea.”
Larry just wanted to read the papers and didn’t want to get caught up in Miriam’s mindless conversation about Jailbirds. Stuff the chi tea, Miriam thought. Gay, bi or whatever… I reckon Larry has still got it!
Larry smiled up at her and reluctantly sat down. Christ, he thought, the bitch thinks I’ve still got it.
Wayne O’Toole, the waiter at Miss Jackson wandered over; he had slept with Miriam on a random drunken night and was secretly trying to forget the experience. Even now, two years later, he can still hear her moans. Wayne shuddered at the thought! There were two other women in fact he’d slept with, havin’ brekky and sipping coffee at Miss Jackson that morning when Larry entered…Wayne did his best to ignore them both.
“Larry, you know Wayne?” Miriam smiled…then winked.
Don’t fuckin’ wink at me, Wayne thought, but just smiled politely.
“I remember you. I saw you on the circuit, years back. You were pretty funny…I am Larry. Larry Bird.”
“He’s still performing aren’t you Wayne” Miriam beamed.
“Yes Miriam,” Wayne snapped back, then added that he still had a regular gig at the Local Tap House on Monday nights in Carlisle Street, and invited Larry to come and watch him perform sometime.
“No shit! Nice to meet you,” Larry said. “I’m thinkin’ of gettin’ back in the business myself.”
No one spoke for a moment. Everyone on the Melbourne circuit had heard how bad Larry was at comedy. Nobody wanted to encourage him to back on stage. Larry broke the silence.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed Wayne,” Larry said. “But the two girls at that table are staring right at you.”
“They are not very attractive” Miriam added and sipped on her chai tea.
Wayne simply smiled. “I slept with both of’em,” he said. “I think the fat one is related somehow to Mark Seymour, you know from Hunters and Collectors. Someone’s cousin told me.”
Larry looked up just as Throw Your Arms Around Me finished playing on the sound system.
“No shit,” said Larry. Wayne knew he’d impressed Larry.
“Now, you both look cozy,” Wayne said, “what can I get you two love birds for Brekky.”
Larry raised his eyebrows, Wayne raised his eyebrows, Miriam nearly choked on her chai tea!
Rodger staggered into his Carlton flat with his fly undone. He quite often forgets to zip it up. It took him too long to get home from Larry’s flat, what with all the AFL footy traffic clogging up the road. The LSD trip he’d taken at Larry’s really affected him. He dreamt he’d somehow got stuck to the front cover of Beatles’ Abbey Road album and no matter how hard he pulled, he just couldn’t come unstuck. Lucky for him, Larry thought there was something wrong when he stopped breathing for a few seconds and poured some more vodka down his throat. The vodka seemed to do the job alright!
“Shit look at the time, Rodger suddenly thought. He’ll be late for footy training. The boys will have his nuts for sure.
Abigail was having sex in the spare room. Lucky for her Rodger didn’t hear her cum. He didn’t like her having a bonk without him. Unluckily for Rodger, he didn’t notice the box from Australia post on top of the TV. In just a short while, he’d really be wishing he had. Rodger left the flat and deadlocked the front door!
FOR YOUR INFO…Inside the box, restin’ peacefully, is a dead sparrow… but, more about that in a later episode.
After the operation, Cherri Bomb never felt the same…sexually. Still, she can’t complain, she thought, at least she still had Donald. He was her rock, as Australian as Vegemite. He stood by her thick and thin. Of course, she still loved him… Didn’t she? A strange feeling overtook her when she thought about Donald. Something unsettling, something queer!
To be continued in the New Year