December 2013, director and co-writer Noel Anderson spoke with several possible producers about producing an original Aussie musical called Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets. He discovered that producing art isn’t easy. Note: The producers names have been censored due to privacy regulations.
Audrey Hepburn And I Consider Our Assets
[Noel:] Look, I’ve spent a lot of time working on this musical. It did well at Chapel Off Chapel years back. Of course, it wasn’t a musical then, just a play.
[Producer 1:] Look, no one’s gonna buy it — no one. A chick from Melbourne who talks to Audrey Hepburn in her therapy sessions. No one will buy it!
[Producer 2:] No one in Middle Australia, anyway.
[Producer 3:] He’s right Noel. Stick with your work on Andy Warhol. Sorry, I didn’t see it at Immigration Museum BTW.
[Noel :] Actually it was at the Jewish Museum…
[Producer 3] Are they different? Anyways…I heard Warhol was good. You’ve had some success with that haven’t you?
[Producer 1:] Mate? Back to Audrey the musical…it’s just not commercial enough. Audrey Hepburn had boring life anyway.
[Producer 2:] She only made one good bloody film. Dinner at Pellegrini’s.
[Noel:] What is commercial? And it was Breakfast at Tiffany’s BTW.
[Producer 2:] Whatever! Your show won’t sell. Trust me.
[Producer 1:] Noel? Mmmmaaaattte…I like it, I honestly do but …
[Noel (sung):]But, what?
[Producer 3:] Nobody’s into this material. The Aussie theatre goers want Dreamgirls, with New Zealanders and shows about Cats. Stories set in America or England. Not musicals about Australians.
[Noel:] It’s got a Hollywood twist?
[Producer 2:] Boring!
[Noel (sung):] You don’t honestly believe that? About Australians? What kind of Australian are you?
[Producer 2:] Rich! Comfortable! Work in the Vic arts sector…Besides Noel…it needs a hit single we can push.
[Noel (sung):]They like to give advice, now!
[Producer 1:] The whole idea’s too risky.
[Noel (sung):] Don’t think about it twice, Noel!
[Producer 2:] The audience won’t understand this kind of thing!
[Noel (sung):] Hurry up Noel, you better work now!
(spoken): I disagree! Why don’t you sit and listen to it? One song? A Real Man sung by Katie underwood.
[Producer 3:] No. I’m off to see North By Northwest at the MTC.
[Noel (sung):] Aussie art isn’t easy.
[Producer 3:] You’ve got to appeal to the funding bodies.
[Noel (sung):] What? Even when you’re cold.
[Producer 2:] Particularly then. Why would you want to make a Aussie musical anyway?
[Noel (sung):] Advancing art ain’t easy.
[Producer 1:] Lets think about this.
[Noel (sung):] To Finance it you must be bold!
[Producer 2:] Why take chances on crap?
[Noel (sung):] But I have a vision for this show…that I can’t get out of my head!
[Producer 1 & 2:] Nobody respects your artistic integrity more than we do…But?
[Noel (sung):] Well, maybe you’re right…What if no one comes to see it…you’ll be as good as dead!
[Producer 2:] You have to think about you career!
[Noel (sung):] What career? Wait? But it has to come to life! It sim-pleeee must!
(Audrey Hepburn suddenly appears dressed in the long black dress from Breakfast at Tiffany’s)
[Audrey (sung):] Noel? What about the Melba? It’s all good at the Melba. You’d do well at the Melba.
(Noel scratches his head, does a four point turn, looks at the audience, ready for a big finish)
[Noel (sung) :] The Melba Spiegeltent? By George I think she’s got it. Crescendo.
Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets – Melba Spiegeltent 29th Oct -7th Nov 2015
Listen to the song ‘I want To Be Like Audrey Hepburn’