Welcome to ‘Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets’ online souvenir program.
Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets is a musical set in Melbourne, Australia. The story follows Liz O’Sullivan, a highly-strung woman obsessed with Hollywood movies and Audrey Hepburn. When her relationship breaks down, Liz is forced into therapy by her overprotective family. Liz’s therapist turns out to be a handsome man with a striking resemblance to film star Rock Hudson. Liz falls for him, and can’t commit to marriage with her current partner, Len. Things start to unravel when Audrey Hepburn magically steps out of Liz’s mind and joins her therapy sessions, offering psychological tips on dealing with her family and advice on where to find a real man. The only thing left for Liz to do is look inside her heart, solve her personal dilemmas and live happily ever after. Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets the musical that believes in pink!
Official music video ‘Travellers in Time’
Features a synopsis with links to the songs.
Overture Brighton Beach, Liz O’Sullivan sits looking out at the colourful bathing boxes. She laments I Believe in PINK with Audrey Hepburn (imaginary friend) about growing up and dreams of being a Hollywood star. Len, her fiancee from working-class suburb of Collingwood arrives with Liz’s family. They try to persuade her to accept Len’s hand in marriage. Liz cracks under the pressure so Liz’s father pays for her to go to therapy. Watching me
Liz meets Rod (her therapist) who has the looks of a movie star. During their session, Liz is interrupted by Audrey Hepburn (a fantasy character inside her head). Audrey behaves exactly like the characters from her movies – ‘My Fair Lady, A Roman Holiday and Breakfast at Tiffany’s.’ Rod wonders what is going on inside Liz’s mind. Millions Of People Like You Liz confesses she had a breakdown when Emad (an Egyptian prince) left after their engagement. She blames her parents for her mindset, as they have a ‘compulsive obsession’ with Hollywood. Mum is obsessed with Elizabeth Taylor while her father is cuckoo about Audrey Hepburn.
Liz decides to get to the bottom of what makes her family tick and starts recording everything they say in a notebook. Mum tells Liz she married her father because he was the best looking boy at the local dance. Liz can’t believe it! Women don’t marry for looks, do they? Sadie’s Dance
At home, Liz’s parents bicker about who is the most beautiful woman on TV. Elizabeth Taylor or Audrey Hepburn? Liz calls this ‘The Beauty Debate’. (WHEN BEAUTY DOMINATES THE HEART) Will Liz ever be as loved as the silver screen legends?
Dad tells Liz that her mother could have been a movie star like Audrey Hepburn…if only things had worked out differently for them. Hollywood Movie Stars
Liz’s father remarries (Caroline the wicked witch of Coburg) and Liz’s relationship with her father sours. Alone in her bedroom, under a poster of Audrey Hepburn, Liz invents a plan to get his attention. She decides to copy Audrey Hepburn’s every move, and win back her father’s respect. I Want To Be Like Audrey Hepburn
At school, Liz is given the role of Eliza Doolittle, a role made famous by Audrey Hepburn in the movie ‘My Fair Lady’. At rehearsals, Liz behaves like a diva, which makes her unpopular with the teachers. Embarrassed by her looks and her increasing bust line, Liz develops a crush on her teacher, Mr Conway.
Liz dresses for her birthday dinner with her father and Caroline. But her world comes crashing down when her father starts criticising the outfit she is wearing, telling her she looks like a Mexican gunslinger from an old Hollywood movie.
Back in therapy, Liz daydreams of dancing with Rod, dressed as a southern belle from an old 1930s movie. The dream turns into a nightmare, as Liz’s ex-partners confront her about her selfish behaviour. Liz wakes and unexpectedly discovers that Rod has a secret obsession with movie star Rock Hudson, and is probably gay. Liz laments about committing to Len, marriage and finding a ‘real man.’ Rod asks her to dance, and together they ponder where all the real men are. A Real Man
Overture Reprise – Liz awakes in Rod’s arms, she confesses to Rod that her ex-fiancée, Emad, couldn’t commit to her and something cracked inside her head. (EMAD’S DANCE) Emad invites Liz for a coffee, Len gets jealous and Audrey warns her to never trust a wild thing… for example Rod, her therapist.
On Brighton Beach, Liz confesses to Rod that she usually ends all her relationships. Emad’s leaving, left her feeling ugly, depressed and defensive. Rod drops a bombshell, suggesting she watch The Three Faces of Eve, a film about a girl with multiple personalities. Alone and frightened, Liz sings Emotions
Caroline visits the shoe shop where Liz works, she wants to be friends, after all they are family. When Liz’s mother arrives unannounced, they try to encourage Liz use her womanly charms and marry Len before she grows old and becomes invisible to the opposite sex. Make The Most Of What You’ve Got
Liz is horrified by the thought of compromising just to fit in. Mum hurries off on a date with a young man she met on the internet. Liz is uneasy about the thought of her mother dating, but Audrey is proud of her for getting online. Caroline surprises everyone with her news of falling pregnant to Liz’s father, and Emad drops a bombshell when he arrives to take Liz’s mum to Astor Cinema, for their internet date. Liz is left alone with only her imaginary friend Audrey Hepburn, they sing Traveller in Time.
Liz takes up a job offer in Western Australia, Len feeling rejected decides not to go. Len reminds Liz that she is not a star, she isn’t Audrey Hepburn, and that this isn’t just about marriage, in fact, she can’t commit to anything. Rod tells Liz to face the fact that she is not that special. (Reprise: MILLIONS OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU).
Liz decides to break all ties with Len (WHY DON’T YOU SAY TO ME) and moves in with her mother, until she leaves Melbourne. Mum offers Liz some advice… ‘Get married and stop talking to yourself! And never mention Audrey Hepburn’s name again.’ My Biological Clock Liz decides that maybe it’s time to grow up.
Rod tells Liz on their final therapy session, that all the answers are inside of her, that life is not what we see at the movies. Liz kisses him goodbye before she leaves. She just has one thing left to do, rid herself of Audrey Hepburn’s constant chatter.
Expecting a battle of words, Liz is surprised to find Audrey Hepburn is dressed, packed and ready to leave. The two old friends hug and say their goodbyes. Audrey disappears back into the world of movie marathons, Hollywood dreams and out of Liz’s mind.
Dad arrives to take Liz to the train station. He notices she has grown into a strong independent woman. Dad tells Liz he is proud of her. You Stunned Me .
Flinders Street Station, Liz waits for her train. Just as she is about to board the train, Len arrives with a suitcase. Liz tells him that Audrey Hepburn has gone and is never coming back, he tells her he’s glad, and that he’s had a change of heart and is joining her in Western Australia. They kiss and sing Not A Day Goes By . Liz suddenly remembers her note book. Where is it? She takes it out of her suitcase and starts to write: Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets – A play by Liz O’Sullivan.
Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets premiered at the Melba Spiegeltent in Collingwood on 29th October 2015
Audrey Hepburn and I Consider Our Assets is written by Gayelene Carbis; based on her original play; Co-Written and adapted by Noel Anderson, Geoff Main and Cerise De Gelder; Music & Lyrics Geoff Main; Additional Lyrics Cerise De Gelder
Director Noel Anderson
Musical Director – John Grant
Costumes – Lauren Ritchie
Set Design – John Wonnacott
Choreographers – Mitch Ralston & Caroline Hawke
Photography – Jody Stitt
Original Cast – Kelly Cupo, Hester Van Der Vyver, Mitch Ralston, Paul Dawber, Nadia Andary, Benjamin James, Caroline Hawke, James Ao
Melba Spiegeltent 35 Johnston St Collingwood
Presented by Harlequin Ink
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Special thanks to Cheryl Beattie, Lee Murphy, Jacob Cunningham, Eddie Muliaumaseai’ and Lee McClenaghan
More Info: https://linktr.ee/noelanderson